Pop-Tarts Frosted Pink Lemonade

 

This is from years ago.  I remember these being very tasty, I would love to buy these occasionally.

Kit Kat Blueberry Muffin

 

Product circa: 2022

I like almost all food, but many folks are surprised to hear that I don’t like blueberries, or really any food/candy that they’re in.  I guess it’s a strange dislike to have.

With that said, this candy is impressive and delicious.  They’ve used white chocolate instead of milk/dark, thank goodness.  Upon opening the wrapper, you’ll see that the white chocolate is visually tinged with blue/purple, and olfactorily tinged with a fragrant blueberry smell.

The taste has the perfect amount of blueberry flavoring in the chocolate, and a natural flavor at that, which is not often found with blueberry products.  The wafer of the Kit Kat also has what I might deem as cinnamon added to it.  At the very least, it is not quite the regular Kit Kat wafer in this.

Anyway, this is good as hell, my own preferences notwithstanding. 

Key Lime Pie Oreo

Product circa: 2015

The green-filling-on-vanilla-cookie aesthetic alone is worth the trouble for this one!

Unfortunately, that’s where the novelty ends.  Natural citrus flavoring is inherently volatile, and cannot survive the industrial processing and shelf-life required for mass-produced snacks like these.

As a result, these are flavored with the same flavoring that you’d find in a lime lollipop, which really tastes nothing like lime, much less key lime.  It’s disappointing because the food scientists set out making this product probably knowing that their attempt would be a sham
 

Pop-Tarts Frosted Strawberry and Drizzled Cheesecake

 

Product circa: 2018

A whimsical pairing, but nothing much to speak of, here.  Half of the pastry is like a traditional Pop-Tarts variety with which we’re all familiar, and the other is a cheese-infused dairy “creme” filling.  They go well together, but otherwise this is nothing stellar.

Jelly Donut Oreo

Product circa: 2017

Oddly designed, this is a vanilla cookie with a blob of jelly inside the creme filling.  I believe the jelly is flavored with raspberry.  Anyway, these things are as delicious as they are novel.  Bravo! 

Strawberry Frosted Donut Oreo

 

Product circa: 2021

Vanilla cookie with 2 types of creme: strawberry (with sprinkles) and… I can’t figure out what the 2nd one is.  I’ve deconstructed the cookies and tasted the odd, beige creme on its own.  It might be different from the original Oreo creme, but only barely.  Moreover, I can’t figure out what it’s supposed to be or represent.

Despite how ridiculous Oreo varieties can get, they almost always are in balance; this variety is not.  This is the most punishingly sweet Oreo I’ve ever tasted… it’s either worse than the Double Stuf or Triple Stuff ones.

Jelly Belly Krispy Kreme Doughnuts

 

Product circa: Intermittently since 2017

Neat cross-brand!  As is typical of Jelly Belly, these taste very loyal to the food that each is emulating.  They even managed to add the flavor of brown/fried dough - no idea how they did that.

Pop-Tarts Froot Loops

 

Product circa: 2021

A very fun cross-branding!  The filling of these pastries definitely has the signature bergamot flavor that would remind you of Froot Loops, but it tastes more of lemon than anything.  With that said, the citrus filling is absolutely delicious, and I don't think there's ever been lemon Pop-Tarts?  I'd love to see these on sale again someday.

Pop-Tarts Pretzel Chocolate

 

Kind of an odd choice.  Pop-Tarts changed the appearance of the pastry to look more like baked pretzel dough, added salt to it, and otherwise changed nothing else about the product.  It's mediocre at best.

Pop-Tarts Eggo

 

Product circa: 2023 

This is a Presumptive Ephemeral Nom, because we do not know if it’s only for a limited time.

What a fitting cross-branding! But sadly, these don’t stack up.

You might get the slightest of maple syrup flavoring, but I’ve had Pop-Tarts with more maple flavoring than this. Aside from that, it’s almost like an unflavored sugar filling. It’s probably the blandest Pop-Tarts variety I’ve ever tasted.

Pop-Tarts Eggo: NOM - Passable
Original Pop-Tarts Frosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon(for comparison): NOM NOM NOM - Great

Pop-Tarts Splitz

Product circa: autumn 2018

Surely Pop-Tarts has better ideas than simply mashing products together, right?  Maybe not.

These pastries are bifurcated into two different flavors on each half of the pastry.  Each side is also frosted differently.

The sugar cookie side: Not bad.  It has a doughy, buttery, cake batter vibe.  It tastes like the (obnoxiously named) Printed Fun Pop-Tarts Frosted Sugar Cookie, but not as good.

The brownie batter side: Good, but it doesn't have the "batter" taste, like the other side does (even though the other side really shouldn't).  It's a tasty chocolate Pop-Tart, but it's forgettable.

Each side eaten together: nothing special, certainly not greater than the sum of the parts.

Before we close, I need to share the absolutely hilarious comic panel from the back of this product's box:

Pop-Tarts Splitz:- Good
Original Pop-Tarts S'mores(for comparison):- Great 

Frosted Maple Bacon Pop-Tarts

Product circa: mid-2016

We're a bit past the bacon craze, aren't we?  Don't mistake what I'm saying for disappointment, however.

You bite, and the first seconds afterwards all you can taste is brown sugar, reminiscent of Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts, one of their most prolific varieties.  It's not nearly as sweet as you expect, probably to remind you that this aims to be a slightly savory product.

A few bites in, however, you'll notice something a bit more; I'd call it a "porky" flavor, not unlike fried pork rinds.  But disappointingly, there's no smoke, which is what would really make this product distinctive.  Upon leering at the ingredients list, I find that these Pop-Tarts have MSG added to them, probably for the meaty/umami flavor to make you think of bacon more.

In all, not bad at all, and a welcome change.

Pop-Tarts Frosted Maple Bacon:- Good
Original Pop-Tarts Frosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon(for comparison):- Great

Pop-Tarts Frosted Cinnamon Roll

Product circa: Early 2016

Another cinnamon bun varietal, this time from Pop-Tarts.

Despite that these are Frosted® Pop-Tarts, the frosted is a slight drizzle, and not covering the whole pastry, which as you'll see, is always good in my book.

The initial bite gives you an experience similar to Pop-Tarts Brown Sugar Cinnamon (one of my go-to's).  Coming through more than the cinnamon is brown sugar and vanilla, which shouldn't be unexpected for a cinnamon bun-flavored item.  It's not too distinguishable from the Brown Sugar Cinnamon variety when eaten cold.

When heated, however, every flavor is elevated.  Best of all, the heat makes the exposed pastry take on a doughy, almost yeasty flavor that really hits the spot.


Pop-Tarts Frosted Cinnamon Roll:- Outstanding
Original Pop-Tarts Frosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon(for comparison):- Great

Pop-Tarts Frosted Blue Raspberry

Note: This is a Presumptive Ephemeral Nom.

Product circa: September 2015

I love almost anything flavored like blue raspberry.  It's that simple.

What is blue raspberry, exactly?  It's a flavor based on a plant that is a cousin to the raspberry called Rubus leucodermis.  The problem is that the plant's fruit is not blue, and whatever blue raspberry flavor that you're used to is probably very distant to what the fruit of this plant might actually taste like.

But no matter.  Blue raspberry is a firm institution when it comes to artificially flavored foods.  The problem with blue raspberry Pop-Tarts is that it's a fairly vacuous product.  Despite the cool Solo Jazz frosting pattern, the flavor of this falls flat.  They took the average Pop-Tarts "fruit" filling, added a ton of blue coloring, and maybe the slightest bit of blue raspberry flavor.  In the end, I'm not sure I'd be able to distinguish this from strawberry if I did a blind taste test.


Pop-Tarts Frosted Blue Raspberry:-Good
Original Pop-Tarts(Strawberry, for comparison):-Good

Milk Chocolate Graham Pop-Tarts

This is the 2nd product that Pop-Tarts issued to celebrate their 50th anniversary.  The first one was a bust.  What about this one?

This one is better.  I'm a sucker for un-frosted Pop-Tarts, mainly for the fact that the texture of the flaky crust is much more noticeable and pleasant.  Similar to the old Gingerbread Pop-Tarts, the crust here is reminiscent of a whole-grain baked good, with bits of wheat/oats/whatever even visible in the crust when you look closely.  The result is more tender than usual with a nice earthy graham cracker flavor.

The chocolate filling is pleasant in its restraint.  They dialed back the sweetness here to give a mild flavor that nicely compliments the delicate crust.  This is one of those products that is more sophisticated than it is bold, and I love it when that happens.

By the way, all the thoughts I've written above refer to how the pastry tastes when it's heated or toasted.  Oddly, when eaten cold, the texture is unremarkable and the flavor is almost nonexistent.


Milk Chocolate Graham Pop-Tarts:- Great
Original Pop-Tarts S'mores(for comparison):- Great

Pop-Tarts Chocolate Vanilla Creme

Pop-Tarts were introduced in 1964, making 2014 the brand's 50th Anniversary.  They've introduced two limited time flavors for this occasion.

I'll start the first "Birthday Edition" Pop-Tarts review by saying that ephemeral Pop-Tarts are usually pretty remarkable, if not notable, at least.  These buck that trend.  What's worse, this flavor is supposedly a flashback to a successful past variety of Pop-Tarts.  Why they brought these back, I don't know.

The company forgot to put any flavor along with the sugar in this product.  The chocolate pastry is only vaguely reminiscent of chocolate, with plenty of their full-time products hitting a higher mark in this category.  The creme is supposedly vanilla creme, but it doesn't taste like it.  Its sweetness is on par, of course, and if I try hard, I can detect the slightest notes of powdered milk or powdered cream.  That's it.  No vanilla.

Oddly, this product doesn't improve when toasted and warm, like most Pop-Tarts do.  I just don't get what they were trying to do here.


Pop-Tarts Chocolate Vanilla Creme:- Passable
Original Pop-Tarts S'mores(for comparison):- Great

Pop-Tarts Frosted Red Velvet

Many people may not realize it, but red velvet cake is a type of chocolate cake.  More specifically, it is a delicate chocolate cake with a hefty dose of vanilla, traditionally served with cream cheese frosting.  The cake's red color originated from the use of naturally-processed cocoa along with acidic ingredients like vinegar and buttermilk to bring out the cocoa's red anthocyanins.  The resulting earthy color was boosted years later with beet juice and food coloring.  Alton Brown can explain it better than I.

Once again, Pop-Tarts proves that it can make a really mean vanilla pastry.  Vanilla's flavor dominates here, with chocolate only barely detectable, if at all.  It seems that a hefty amount of butter flavoring was used in the pastry's filling, which is an attempt to simulate cream cheese frosting, I imagine.  And, just like a proper red velvet cake, these Pop-Tarts sport an attractive red color with a striking white frosting and filling.

This buttery vanilla effect is quite delicious, especially when toasted.  However, it barely resembles its namesake in flavor.

Pop-Tarts Frosted Red Velvet:- Great
Original Pop-Tarts(Strawberry, for comparison):-Good

Pop-Tarts Red, White & Berry

Shame on you, Pop-Tarts...

This summer's special flavor of the famous pastries was Red, White & Berry, in honor of Independence Day.

Unfortunately, these seem to be an identical rehash of last year's 2012 Team USA flavor, minus the "gold medal" foil wrapping.  What's worse, the few pastries I could stomach were stiff and dry, as if last year's stock had been repackaged and reused.  I can't prove that, and so I won't try.  But it's a disturbing prospect.

I have no problem reusing a review for a reused product.  Click here to read it.


Pop-Tarts Red, White & Berry:- Good
Original Pop-Tarts(Strawberry, for comparison):- Good

Pop-Tarts Frosted Marshmallow Hot Chocolate

Pop-Tarts didn't skimp on rolling out winter flavors this past year.

I was particularly excited to pick up these, which seem like they'd be really good, right?

I think I see what they tried to do here, but the execution didn't result ideally.  Hot chocolate tends to stay fairly mild in terms of cocoa flavor, right?  Well, such a light hand with the cocoa in these pastries ended up having its dominance challenged by the marshmallow, which Pop-Tarts has been known to use liberally.  The balance is off.  What's worse, the resulting character of these reek of a artificial candy-like flavor, akin to Pop-Tarts Yum-Azing Vanilla. I feel like they could have done better, but I'm not sure how.  Perhaps an item like Hot Chocolate with Marshmallows isn't well able to be reduced to a breakfast pastry.


Pop-Tarts Frosted Marshmallow Hot Chocolate:- Passable
Original Pop-Tarts S'mores(for comparison):- Great
 

Pop-Tarts Frosted Pumpkin Pie

Pop-Tarts adds to their autumn/winter seasonals with Pumpkin Pie.  This variety has been issued for a year or two now and it's worth picking up when you see it.

When you open the plastic, there's an immediate aroma of canned pumpkin.  Very nice.  The frosting is speckled with familiar autumn colors.

After a bite or two, flavors that you fully expect begin to come through.  Pumpkin hits you first, then brown sugar, with perhaps a bit of vanilla, nutmeg and allspice following faintly behind.  The sweetness is barely there, just enough to cover any bitterness from the spices.  The maltiness from the pumpkin and the restrained sweetness make for an almost savory experience.

Toasting the pastries brings out more sweetness than before, but still lower than what you would expect from Pop-Tarts.  The spices also manage to be more pronounced when warmed.  It's a different experience when warmed versus cold, but it's hard for me to recommend one over the other.

I usually eat my Pop-Tarts with a cup of unsweetened tea or coffee nearby so that I can counter each saccharine bite with a bitter counterpoint.  This method has made me realize why sweet pastries are a must for a traditional British tea time, with a beverage's bitterness cutting through a snack's sweetness that can sometimes linger a bit too long.  No such strategy is requires with Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts.  The experience is in a refreshing balance that isn't over-sweetened and, as it often is, causes me to recommend this product heartily.


Pop-Tarts Pumpkin Pie: - Great

Original Pop-Tarts(Strawberry, for comparison): - Good